King Arthur: Legend of the Sword

Starring Charlie Hunnam, Jude Law,Aiden Gillen,Eric Bana and Astrid Berges-Frisby and co-written and directed by Guy Ritchie..

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword is a reworking of the classic story and tales of Camelot with a cockney twist..

A brief diagnosis of the plot sees a medievel  King Uthred and Camelot under attack from the evil Mordred and trying to escape with his Queen and young Prince Arthur down to the pier.Arthur escapes in a small boat [all seems a bit Moses if I’m honest],sails down the Thames [past waterfalls and high snow-peaked mountains?] and is rescued by a bunch of prostitutes [who find him in his boat amongst the reeds] in Londinium who raise as their own in their brothel in the East End [as you do].Arthur grows up to be a bit of a Cockney Geezer [alright guv’] with fingers in pies and dodgy deals all over town until his destiny calls him [and a sword] and he has to take back what is rightfully his..the throne of Camelot.

You with me so far..?

It’s a Guy Ritchie film and I wouldn’t let him direct a school play,let alone a film with a budget of £150MILLION[!]

The film,at times has it’s moments.Some of the action scenes work really well and stand out among a sea of dross and direness.The acting in this is so bad that you are cringing in your seats in embarrassment that they think that this level of mediocrity is acceptable for a big budget Hollywood movie.

Hunnam,who was Ritchie’s pick [the blame lies there] for the role of Arthur seems so incredibly bored with the whole thing that he just ambles along through the first half of the movie and doesn’t seem interested at all in to putting an effort into his portrayal.It seems as if the whole cast just want to get it over and done with a soon as possible so they can all get drunk down the pub with their mates and grab a kebab on their way home at 3 in the morning.Jude Law hams it up badly as the villain and everyone else just run around the back streets and talk Cockney gangster for 2 hours..

For this is what this film is,It’s a lads movie,a cockney night out without the knees up or a plate of jellied eels.As someone else quite rightly states,it’s King Arthur Daley with all the charm of a Essex girl drinking a babycham on a Tuesday night with her knickers around her white stilettoes and lashings of FX trying to hide the abysmal dialogue.There’s the countless homages to Oceans 11 with the flashback scenes and plot explanations for anyone that is trying to follow what is loosely described as a plot and some poor woman gurning in a forest or up on rocks as she does her magic.The poor thing looks as if she’s eaten a dodgy bowl of whelks and is trying to have a bowel movement every time we see her..

The support cast phone the whole thing in and under the dire direction of Ritchie the film descends into a nonsensical tosh of total banality and boredom.Some of the fight scenes are so badly choreographed that it does look like the local Am-Dram club have taken over for 10 minutes.Saying that,the local Am-Dram clubs could probably do a better job of this than those involved here.

Rumour has it that this is the first of a SIX film franchise,for the love of all things wonderful let’s hope not.The thought of sitting through 5 more films of this calibre is something the world doesn’t need.

Are there any plus points..?

Well yes,when the fight scenes work they really work,the CGI does enhance the moment but they are few and far between and just highlight how crap the rest of the film is..

The rest of the time,the film plods along,gradually sinking further into the swamp of sewage that is in front of us and leaves you asking what the £150MILLION was actually spent on..?

Don’t get me started with David Beckham’s cameo “come sit on my lap,put 10 digits around this and give it a tug!”,that was just a horrible moment in cinematic history..

All in all this film is as enjoyable as a week old plate of cockles and the Cockney gets more and more annoying as the film progresses.Surprised they didn’t go for the Eastenders theme when the end credits started..

The directing is all over the place with the most appalling profile close-ups as people run down alleyways..

Already a contender for Worst Film of the Year,the 3 of us that watched it in the cinema where laughing at the film all the way home in the car.I bet the Hollywood studio aren’t laughing though..

The only good thing I can say about this is that it’s not as bad as I thought it would be..I was expecting worse!

Joxer Film Rating

3/10

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